


Boys Will Be Boys

by usetheforceponyboy



Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, skysolo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-05-18 14:03:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5931052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usetheforceponyboy/pseuds/usetheforceponyboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaina has found evidence that Han and Luke have continued their physical relationship through wars, marriages, and children.  Will she risk the destruction of her family in order to expose the truth?</p><p>"The Good don't die young, they just haven't had time to fuck up the same as the rest of us yet." -Pat the Bunny, Song for a Netflix Account</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you're looking for anything following the Legends timeline strictly, good luck here. I'm not really too concerned with that, I'm just kind of doing whatever with the characters. Holos are mentioned in this, but the way I'm writing them they are sort of more like the photographs we have irl. I hope that's not too much of an issue.

The incriminating evidence was found innocently enough.  The younger Solos enjoyed flipping through old baby holos of themselves and laughing at how small and goofy they once were.  This became especially interesting to them since the arrival of their new cousin, who seemed to be the smallest, goofiest human any of them had ever encountered.  Jaina forgot where they kept the albums, and decided to try her parents’ bedroom closet.  In it she did in fact find a box similar to where they kept the other holos, and naturally, opened it. 

The first picture she opened was only of her uncle Luke, sleeping in a familiar looking hotel room.  It was odd, but seemed normal enough.  It was the picture after that that had shaken Jaina to her core.  It seemed to have been taken a few minutes after the first, except now Luke was awake and sitting on his knees, laughing and reaching for the camera with his right hand, his other holding a pillow over his crotch.  Except for the pillow, he was completely naked.

Jaina checked the date on the holo.  It was back when she and Jacen were eight and Anakin was six.  She suddenly remembered where it was taken; it was during the vacation her father had taken the family to the beaches on Corellia because her mother needed the peace and quiet for a while for some important political nonsense (she couldn’t remember, there was so many political nonsenses and it was Jacen’s job to keep track of them).  Luke had come too, because he said he wanted to spend more time with them.  With a sickening lurch Jaina remembered that that vacation was only a year or so after he and Mara had been married.

Jaina stuffed the holo back into the box and hid back deep into the closet where she had found it.  As she exited the bedroom, Han happened to be entering it at the same time.  She tried to ignore him, but he stopped her.  “What were you doin’ there?”

Jaina looked at her dad, and realized that she knew nothing about the man standing before her.  “I was looking for the holo albums.”  She muttered.

“They’re in the upstairs linen closet.  I thought you knew that.”

“Yeah I remember now. Thanks.”  Jaina said as she rushed past him numbly.  Han looked at her as she left, before giving a little shrug as he entered the room.

Jaina sat in the closet flipping through the holo pages angrily, tears burning her throat.  When she found a holo from that very trip that the holos of Luke were taken, one with all of them grinning wildly in front of crashing waves, she couldn’t hold back anymore and slammed the door shut.  She wept freely, burying herself in the clean sheets and the dark.  All she wanted was to be who she was in the old holo, laughing and reveling in her ignorance.

Her brothers noticed the change in Jaina’s mood immediately, for when she was downhearted the house was as well, they didn’t know how.  They didn’t confront her about it until bedtime, when she shrunk into her bed and didn’t sneak into Jacen’s room as per usual.  Anakin leaped onto a pile of blankets that used to be his sister and asked her what was wrong.

“I don’t know. Adult things. You wouldn’t get it.”  Came the muffled answer.

Anakin was unbelievably offended at this.  “I’m only two years younger than you!  I get everything you get!”

“If you got everything that I got you would know that there is actually big difference between being ten and twelve.  Too big for me to explain, so just leave me alone for once!”  Jaina threw a pillow at her brother.  Before Anakin could fight back he was pulled off her by Jacen. 

“Come on. Go to bed.  It’s late.”  Jacen said as he shoved Anakin out the door.  Once he finally got him out he walked quietly back to the bed and knelt by it.  “You were crying today.”  He muttered to Jaina.  At this she lifted her comforter and let him crawl in, like when they were small and couldn’t handle separate beds just quite yet.  “Do you want to tell me why?” 

Jaina shook her head and looked away.  “I really don’t think I can yet.  Maybe some other time.  Can you turn off the light?”  Jacen got out and did so.  When he crawled back in Jaina sighed.  They laid together for a bit in silence before she finally said.  “It’s weird but also not that our parents had other lives before having us, you know?”

Jacen wondered if this was what had gotten her so upset earlier, and if so, why.  “Yeah…I guess?  I don’t really think about that.”

“Like, what were they like?  Who did they like before they liked each other?  What if there’s stuff they’re not telling us about?”  Jaina stopped herself before she lost control over herself again.

Jacen sensed that Jaina was getting worked up again.  “Yeah that can get pretty spooky to think about.  Maybe you should leave that kind of stuff alone for a while for now.”

“Maybe.  Please don’t go.”  Jaina wanted her brother to stay because he brought the sort of comfort only he can, but she also worried about him possibly coming to the same horrible realization she did about their father.  She wanted nothing more than to let her brothers keep living the same ignorant reality she was so cruelly torn from.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Luke’s complications were found innocently enough.  Everyone always remarked to his aunt and uncle what an affectionate little boy he was, always eager to hug his friends and be the gentlest around any soft little animal people would let him hold.  As he and his friends grew up, mothers could no longer kiss their sons, and fathers could no longer hold their boys.  There was work to be done.  Luke never stopped being affectionate though, and provided the others with what they had forgotten they had craved; hugs, touches of reassurance, a gentle voice.

As the kids grew older, they began to crave different things.  A calendar one of them found was sneaked around Tosche with hushed whispers.  Luke jumped around the huddle, demanding to see what everyone was giggling about.  Biggs smirked at the others and said “Alright Luke, get a load of this!” and shoved the calendar into Luke’s face.  It was a picture of a woman, red hair stylishly wild around her face, her left hand lazily holding it down.  The other hand was between her wide open legs, hiding whatever it was underneath it, while making sure that her arm wasn’t blocking her unabashedly overstuffed breasts.  She looked up at the curious boys with half closed eyes, her red lips curled in the promise of a smile someday.

They all snickered loudly at Luke’s wide eyes and jaw on the floor.  “She’s!- That’s-“  He sputtered.  “She doesn’t have any clothes on!”  The station filled with uproarious laughter, and someone shoved Luke’s floppy desert hat over his eyes.  The girls huddled in their cliques around the building rolled their eyes and whispered to each other, as the guys wiped tears from their eyes and Luke rushed out the door red-faced.

That night the calendar girl intruded in on his dreams like she did with everyone else that saw the picture at one point.  She stood naked, leaning idly against the doorframe to his room, and was so tall her head almost touched the ceiling.  Luke asked her if she needed anything and she nodded.  He went to the closet and pulled out his softest poncho and went back to her.  When he did this he found that she had shrunk so now she was shorter than him, and he pulled the garment over her head.  She gave him a genuine smile and kissed him gratefully on the head before turning around and strolling out the door.  She never returned.

Truth or Dare was a popular game when sandstorms downed speeders and everyone was trapped together inside.  During one fateful game someone dared (going off of a hunch) Luke to kiss Laze.  Luke thought nothing of it, kisses were kisses.  The kiss was deep and affectionate, and once he pulled away the whooping and hollering died down once they noticed the odd smile on Laze’s face.  “Stang Luke, how’d you learn to do that?  You kiss better than Camie!”  Curiosity then overrode inhibitions as everyone wanted to judge for themselves how great he was at kissing.  One by one he brought back the lost displays of affections they once reveled in when they were little and playing around in the dirt.  They vowed that this event would never leave the group.  For Luke this felt as right as putting the poncho onto the calendar girl.

Luke understood when girlfriends didn’t.  Luke didn’t mock any lack of masculinity the guys had.  Luke didn’t deny giving anyone what they needed if girls got mad, or were shut away, or left to other settlements.  He was assured that it didn’t matter if they were cheating or not, because he was a boy, and he wanted to help so badly that he believed them.  Kisses were exchanged in caves and behind rocks, and they left quickly before they could be attacked by sandpeople. 

Once a guy asked if he would do something his girlfriend refused to do.  When Luke asked what, he moved his hand over a hard bulge in his thin cloth pants.  Luke was shocked, but didn’t move his hand away.  He moved in close and rubbed, the same way he did sometimes when he was tense.  It seemed to work as the guy’s eyes slowly closed and his breathing became ragged.  Suddenly his eyes flew open and his face became bright red and said “That’s enough, that’s good.” and rushed away from him.  Luke didn’t look after him, instead he leaned over and held himself up on the rock face with one hand and waited for his heart to stop pounding.  He found that he was hard from the experience, too, and, ignoring the threat of sandpeople, finished the job before heading back home.

Luke was walking by himself a few weeks later, carrying old scrap parts to fix up his speeder, if only a little.  As he walked along the lonesome stretch of desert from Tosche to his home, he heard someone yell “Hey!” from behind him.  He turned and saw a girl about his age, though he couldn’t tell whom, since her head was wrapped tightly in dark cloth. It was the kind good mothers wrapped their daughters in to protect their hair from the sand, and thick goggles hid her eyes.  “You the kid whose been treating our boyfriends?”

“I…”  Luke stammered, trying to talk past his heart which lodged itself into his throat.

“You know he’s the one, Gio.”  Another girl said.  Luke noticed that there seemed to be three or four more girls that had come with this Gio to get their justice.  They seemed to have just appeared, all dressed similarly to her, looking like desert shadows, or ghosts.

“We’re here to make you stop.”  Gio said, stomping towards Luke.

“A-Alright I’ll stop!”  Luke exclaimed.  A rock then hit him hard in the arm, causing him to drop his scrap metal and to collapse.  He clutched his arm, and when he pulled his hand away he saw that his palm was covered in blood.  He looked around for help, but only saw the shadow girls, who surrounded him and produced more rocks from the folds of their sleeves.

“Not good enough!”  Gio growled as she lunged toward Luke.  She grabbed his neck in one hand and knocked him on the ground, slamming the air out of him.  Having him pinned, she proceeded to punch him repeatedly in the face as the girls launched the rest of their rocks at him.  When her knuckles began to hurt from doing this, she noticed the scrap metal, which the rest of her gang was heading to as well when they ran out of stones.  Out of fear Luke concentrated on one of the pieces, a pipe, which launched itself longways against Gio’s head.  She yelped and held her hands against her forehead, allowing Luke to escape.

 He ran a bit, and then looked back and saw that none of them were coming after him.  Instead Gio still sat on the ground, her goggles now off and her hair uncovered, revealing dark strands stuck to her face with blood.  “If you ever pet one of our boys again,” She called amidst her huddle of friends, “You will hear from our dads next!  And you won’t get off so easy then!”  Luke would never forget the wild hurt in her eyes, though he was so far away.  The ability he found to cause such a deep pain inside someone else would forever stay with him.

Luke ran home, wiping the blood and tears from his face with his floppy hat.  When asked by his aunt and uncle what had happened, he simply said some guys beat him up for his scrap metal.  He never did anything intimate with anyone again until a certain princess kissed him on the cheek for luck during her rescue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know head wrappings aren't a big thing on Tatooine, I just thought they should be.


	3. Chapter 3

The cloud of disillusionment hung over Jaina wherever she went, and soon weighed her down so much that she would hardly leave her room.  She couldn’t even manage a smile.  She was angry at her father, that was certain, but deeper there was also a fear of him.  How could someone lie to their family so well, not even betray any signs of guilt.  There he was, laughing as he ruffled Anakin’s hair, peacefully sipping caf, even flirting occasionally with Leia.  This was what Jaina observed in Han, for the few times she allowed herself to be around him she watched him closely.  She even tried reading his vague Force signature, which was unsuccessful.  The question _Who is he?_ gnawed at her mind constantly, driving her almost mad.

Han was not oblivious to the constant side glances he was getting from his only daughter, and one day brought it up to Leia, in the kitchen.

“D’ you know what’s got Jaina in a mood lately?”  Han asked.

Leia half-smiled knowingly at him. “You mean the sulking?”

“Yeah.”  Han answered absentmindedly, staring toward the direction of the couch Jaina had perched herself on with a datapad.

“I think I know what it is.”  Leia said motherly.  “I went through the same moods when I was her age.  I’m sure soon she’ll be around asking if I have any extra fem-napkins in our refresher.”

Han looked quizzical.  “Do you really think it’s that?”  Leia nodded.  “I mean have you…”  He wiggled his fingers in front of his eyes a bit.  “Checked?”

Leia rolled her eyes.  “I haven’t checked in on her Force presence if this-“ she echoed his odd supernatural gesture back at him “is what you mean.  I think as she is growing into her own person she deserves to have her own privacy.  Completely.”  Han still looked incredulous, which she took for melancholia.  “I know.  It’s hard to believe our little Jaini-girl is growing up.”  She gave him an affectionate clap on the arm.  “And we’re getting older.”

Little did they know Jaina had just grown up in a much more sudden and devastating manner than her parents could imagine.  The pain whirled within her much harder than if she had woken up one morning with bloody underwear.  She hid it as best as she could though, and it worked on nearly everyone, except for Jacen.


	4. Chapter 4

Luke had never touched a drop of alcohol until after the Battle of Yavin.  It was one of the things always kept from his reach back on Tatooine, and now a bottle was being shoved into his hand during every celebration he went to, which there was quite a few of since he was the hero and had the medal to prove it.  He loved parties; he loved being dulled and happy and looking around at all the smiling faces surrounding him, laughing and hugging and laughing some more.  He didn’t have to be reminded of the millions of lives he took (“billions would have been taken if you hadn’t taken out the Death Star” Leia gently assured him) and he didn’t have to think about how much better this would all be if Biggs were here.  The parties soon stopped and everyone was soon back to business, but Luke didn’t want them to stop.  Neither did Han.

There was always something else the Rebellion was dragging Han into, whether it was repairs (many were impressed with the durability of the Millennium Falcon) or his extensive knowledge of the underbelly of the galaxy.  Though they fought, he had a begrudging respect for Leia and her ability to take command of sorriest bunch of nerfherders he’d ever seen try to take down an Empire.  She had an understanding about his level of skills and what would be expected of him, which was what attracted him to her in the first place.  Chewie was also big into prodding him into staying into helping, though he had no idea what changed that old wookiee’s heart into helping out anyway.  (It was also Leia.)  Luke was funny.  He was a big talker, which reminded Han of himself at that age, though maybe not as naïve. 

Han liked the parties too.  Mostly because of Luke, since the kid couldn’t hold his alcohol even if you gave him a bucket to carry it in.  Drunk Luke was an even bigger talker than sober Luke; before he would only mention how he used to bulls-eye womprats with his, oh whatever the hell kind of shitty Tatooine weapon he used, but now he gave his audience a full recount, complete with sound effects and faces, about getting one of those rodents in its right eye, and how Biggs didn’t think he could do it.  They would all laugh, but a shadow would pass across Luke’s face once he mentioned that name, and only Han and Chewie saw it.  After this happened a couple of times, Chewbacca encouraged Han to visit with Luke on the Falcon, just for one night, to make sure he was doing all right.  One could say all of this was Chewbacca’s fault.

Luke at first headed straight to the cockpit, before Han dragged him by the sleeve to the crew quarters.  “Oh Mr. Han Solo!”  He laughed.  “Are you finally going to ravish me, after all these months?”

“Shut your mouth.  I just think it’s a better place for a little conversation between friends.”  Han grumbled.

“Friends!”

“Cool it.”

Soon they were sitting on beds on opposite sides of the little bedroom area, and Han opened a fresh bottle of Fire Whiskey.  As they passed the bottle back and forth the conversation got a little freer.  They talked about Leia, the models of ships the Rebellion was using, Leia, how the Falcon managed to stay in pretty decent condition all these years, and some more Leia.  Finally, there was a lull in the conversation, and Han cleared his throat.

“So, uh, tell me about Biggs.”

Luke was caught off guard.  “What about him?”

“Me ‘n Chewie noticed you were a little hung up on his death.”  Han passed the bottle back to Luke.

“Well, he was my best friend back on Tatooine.”  Luke paused as he pondered what to talk about, since this was the first time anyone asked him about his loss.  Leia was always there to talk about Owen and Beru, but she never knew quite what to say about Biggs.  “We had a lot of good times.  Like did I mention the time I shot a womprat through its right eye using only a-“

“YES I think you might’ve mentioned it before.”

“Oh.”  Luke looked confused.  “I did?”

“A few times, actually.”  Han chuckled a little.

“Well we used to hang around each other all the time, you know?  Just me and Biggs and Tank and…and we used to goof around all the time around Beggar’s.”

“Doing what?”

“Ohhhh,” Luke drawled, a twinkle showing in his glazed eyes.  “I don’t know.”  He grinned goofily.  “We raced and built speeders mostly.  Complained about living there.  And…” Luke laughed, shooting a Han the same look he got from other smugglers telling him about getting some the night before.

Suddenly the kid got a lot more interesting.  Han smiled an especially crooked smile.  “Now Luke,” He said “What kind of shenanigans were you _really_ getting into down at Beggar’s?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know…”  Luke teased back.  Suddenly a heaviness settled upon him.  “Not that it matters anymore.  They all left for the Academy eventually, you know, and Biggs was the last one to go.  I was all by myself for a while there.”  He sighed and laid his head on a pillow.  “And then…when I finally saw Biggs again, he got blown up in an X-Wing a few hours later.”  Tears bit at Luke’s eyes.  “Just my luck.”

Luke’s eyes closed as he tried to blot out the tears, and he felt the bottle being lifted out of his hands.  He was then pulled into a strong hug.  “Hey now…hey.”  Han’s voice suddenly had taken a lower, gentler tone as he murmured those words to him.  That tone registered something in Luke’s mind, and he impulsively nuzzled himself into Han’s neck, his lips gently brushing against its surface.

Han jerked back, but said nothing as he and Luke looked directly into each other’s eyes.  An awakening set in as he realized he had never been touched that tenderly in his life.  Luke’s spell on the boys back home claimed another victim, whether Han realized it or not. He didn’t look embarrassed; instead he looked as if he knew what he had done to Han, and what kind of waves he had set in motion.  Desire overcame sadness, and he cupped Han’s face with his palm, and Han melted right into it.  Here was another soul, another being, whom he could help, and no one was around threatening to stop it. Luke smiled, but Han broke his gaze and stood up.

“I’m sorry ‘bout your…friend.”  Han swayed a little, dizzy from the experience and the drinking.

“I’m sssorry. Too.”  Luke’s eyes were a bit unfocussed again, and he found after a couple of attempts that he could barely stand.

“Look, look, just stay, there for now, and I’ll go in one a’ the holds.”  Han staggered out of the quarters. There was no answer from Luke, as he had fallen back across the bed, asleep almost instantly.  After stumbling for a few feet, Han steadied himself against the wall, and wondered what the hell happened to him.

They never mentioned what happened that night, or anything else that happened after that.  Throughout the days and weeks they were always seen around each other.  Only Chewie noticed the lingering smiles and glances, the friendly touches that always lasted a second too long.  They confirmed what he had suspected for a while.  He was happy for Han, it was good to see him interact gently with someone after seeing the abrasive way he and Leia acted around each other (something which everyone at the various bases had to accept into their daily life sometime.)

Things were never supposed to get so out of hand.  Han was never supposed to risk his life on Hoth to save Luke, and Luke was never supposed to say “it had to be you” when he woke up in the makeshift shelter Han made in the middle of the frozen wasteland.  It haunted him, what was that supposed to mean, it _had_ to be him?  What was it that he felt as he searched for a heartbeat, breathing, anything.  What was that fear when he thought he found his best friend’s corpse in the snow, almost like when he saw his baby sister’s gray arm sticking out of the rubble that had been his childhood home after the bombings on Corellia.  Han stayed up all through that deadly night with a barely lucid Luke, and he absentmindedly put his arm around his fitful, frozen body, and spooned him as he waited for morning.  It wasn’t supposed to get even that far.


	5. Chapter 5

How did Luke remember all of that, and kept it with him as he watched from the sidelines as Han and Leia’s relationship blossomed.  Han hated his watching, his knowing, through those ancient blue eyes of his.  Luke was often teased about his innocence even when he was well into being a man.  His eyelashes, his dimples, his smile was all just downright deceitful, Han realized more and more, and it ate away at him.  Leia was brutally honest, genuine, and had brown eyes.  Han loved brown eyes, and everything was right again as he looked deep into them on the way to Bespin, and even when he was sure he was going to die he felt right when he looked into them one last time before being frozen in carbonite.  It was her voice that brought Han back to life, not Luke’s. 

Then, a while after the Battle of Endor, Luke was in the doorway of the crew quarters.  Han jerked awake at what he thought was ghost, but as his eyes adjusted to the light he realized it was just the kid, or whatever he was now, standing in an oddly serene way, eyeing him placidly.

“Luke!”  Han gasped.

A little smile crept across Luke’s face.  “Hello.”  The way he said it wasn’t menacing in the least; it was as genuine as any hello he’d ever given.  Still, Han’s heart began pounding.

Han, flustered, stammered out “What the hell are you doin’ here, what time is it, what-“  He turned on a small light.

“It’s only about two in the morning.  I didn’t know you were such an early sleeper.”  Luke said drily.

“Doesn’t answer my first question.”  Han was getting defensive.  Even if it was his best friend, he didn’t like his privacy interrupted.

Luke shut the door behind him, and strolled slowly toward Han.  “I just want to talk.”  He said as he sat on the bed next to him.

“About what?”  Han leaned a little away from him, and Luke could sense his discomfort.

“Remember when you wanted to talk to me about Biggs, and we went in here, and-“

“Wh-what, you got drunk and kissed my cheek?  That was years ago, that was nothing.  Why are you bringing it up now?”  Han blustered.  “I thought we were just gonna brush that under the rug.”  He stopped as Luke’s eyes bored into him.

“Or on Hoth, when you saved me, when everyone else thought it was hopeless.”

“Kid-“

“I felt your arm around me.”  A little emotion betrayed Luke’s calm, collected Jedi presence.  Han covered his mouth with his hand and looked away, but Luke still kept his eyes on him.  “Han.”  He continued, placing his hand on Han’s bare shoulder.  “What are we going to do?”

Han swung his shoulder to the side quickly and gripped Luke’s arm.  Luke in turn grabbed Han’s other arm, and for a while a strange tension kept them locked, as if they were two boys about to fight each other in the dust.  Luke fought back against the tension and moved forward, until he was inches away from Han’s face.  He glanced at Han’s lips and it triggered some sort of signal.  Instead of their arms being locked it was their faces, two sets of lips fighting each other, seeking dominance.  Han moved his hands to cup Luke’s face, as if he was holding some dewy eyed starlet in some holo drama.  Luke gripped him in a hug around his middle, eventually edging his arms up, and, feeling the pull of the planet beneath them, pulled Han on top of him. 

No one else existed, it was just them and the universe in their pure embrace.  Primal urges long hidden away underneath the surface dug themselves out and overrode any circuitry programed to make them stop.  They could feel those urges rubbing against each other’s legs and hips, and it built up a sort of electricity in the air, like the kind one feels before a storm hits.  As Han moved on to lick and bite Luke’s cheek, Luke found the opportunity to cautiously grab Han’s bulge.  Han encouraged him by rubbing eagerly against his hand.  Luke was transported back to when he first obliged someone similarly in his younger days on Tatooine, and now he knew well the feelings he was first confused by as a boy.  Now he was a man, and he was with a man, and he wanted that man to show him what love felt like.

They fell into the roles neither of them really knew were already written all too easily.  Han broke the fierce kissing to grip Luke’s shoulders and turned his body on to his belly, which Luke willingly went along with.  Not a word was said as Luke got up on all fours and let Han force his pants down just past his ass.  Han also lifted Luke’s shirt a little to take in some more of his beautiful back, and ran his hand along its soft skin before loosening his own pants.  Now fully exposed, and using some of his spit, he placed his hands on Luke’s hips and plunged.  Luke let out a roar of pleasure-pain, which sent Han into a ritualistic fervor.  It was a cacophony of exchanging groans and yells, and whimpering harmonies, most of which came from Luke, ending in a grand finale large enough to get a standing ovation.

It was over quickly, and it was rougher than being digested by a sarlacc.  It was also enough for Luke to have traveled up through the nine Corellian levels of hell and see the stars.  Han was just in shock; he hardly knew who he was anymore, and he numbly turned off the light.  Luke took his arm and pulled his stiff body down again, this time just lying next to him, like real lovers in a marriage bed.  Han’s arm lay lazily across Luke’s shoulders, and Luke held his wrist.  They fell asleep in the cramped bed, legs tangled together, and without a care in the world.

Han woke up before Luke and tiredly smiled at his sleeping, drooling form, before realizing he was in bed with a man and jumping up and putting his weight on one arm.  Luke blinked his eyes open and rubbed them as he lazily took in Han looking down on to him in vague shock.  “I love Leia.”  Was all Han managed to get out, and Luke nodded a little.  Luke was so full of understanding that Han dove back down and roughly kissed his cheek a couple of times.


	6. Chapter 6

It was all brushed away when Han held Leia’s petite hands in his own as they got married.  She looked up at him confidently with those honest brown eyes, and he felt saving sensation of “right” again.  She felt right, too; for once right in front of her was a man promising never to leave her behind, a promise not even her entire home planet could keep.  For the first time in a while, Leia could allow herself to be truly happy.

Luke was more than happy for them.  They all finally had the complete family they had all been looking for.  He stood with Lando and Chewie as one Han’s best men, and his winning smile didn’t leave his face for that day and even the rest of the week.  The thought that he had lost Han had not even crossed his mind.  That night long ago had only been a one night stand, a mistake.  Han belonged here with Leia, and Leia belonged with him, and he belonged here, a wise Jedi and a friend and brother to both.

That was what he was content with, until the dreams started a year or so after the wedding.  They weren’t exactly nightmares, but there was a darkness to them that frightened Luke.  To be frank, they were dreams of Han.  Sometimes it would only be the two of them hanging around, and Han suddenly giving him a quick kiss, or holding his hand.  Other times it would involve less lighthearted situations, like Luke finding himself tied down to a bed with thick dark coils, like snakes.  He was also gagged, the coils too wrapping around his throat and mouth so he couldn’t cry out.  But he didn’t want to.  All he could see around him was blackness and all he could feel was Han’s dominating presence, and he felt _good_. 

Luke started meditating more and more, imploring the Force and the masters’ long gone to see if these dreams were signs of falling to the Dark Side.  He didn’t receive any answers.  The night he and Han were together preoccupied him more often, coinciding with the dreams.  The beautiful pain Han caused in him and the feeling of being put in the control of someone else gave him an unnatural bliss as he reminisced.  Maybe that was it, he thought, he was trying to build a new Jedi Academy and the weight of his status as the last of the Jedi garnered the need to be dominated in him.  This was a need that frightened him.

Han commed Luke one day, trying to see why he wasn’t spending as much time with the couple as he used to.

“Oh you know, I’m just trying to get this Academy together, and I pushing myself to be more in tune with the Force, as always.”

“So this Force is saying you can’t be around your friends?”  Han’s indignant voice rattled out of the com.

“It’s not exactly saying anything.”  Luke said tiredly.  “This is something I feel I have to do.”  He decided to take a leap.  “Han?”  He asked.

“Still here.”

“Have you…”  Luke took a steadying breath.  “Thought about that night, a few months before you and Leia got married?”

There was a long silence on the other end of the com.  “Is that what this is about, what it’s really about?”

“I’m afraid so.”  Luke relented.  “Lately I’ve been thinking about what happened between us then.  It’s been distracting me, I can’t even sleep some nights.  I just want to know if that at least has happened to you too.”

Han thought a bit.  “I can’t say I haven’t been affected by it.  Don’t think I have it as bad as you, but…if you want to come over this weekend and we can see if we can work it out.”  Han added one more thing.  “Leia won’t be around.  She’s got a diplomatic mission and thought maybe I should step out of that one.”  He murmured.

The realization dawned on Luke about what Han was suggesting.  “You’re not saying…”

“Look.  Yes.  I also had a really good time that night.  You gave me something, well, Leia can’t exactly offer, and it’s been bugging me too.”  Han admitted.

“We can’t possibly do that to her.”  Disgust started to fill Luke, and he felt a bit sick.

“How much is sleep worth to you?”

“I doubt this would help.”

“Just come over.”  Han tried.  “We’ll just talk, I swear.”

That sounded better to Luke.  “I would prefer that.” 

At the end of the week Luke held true to their plans, and he was at the front door of Han and Leia’s place.  Han let him in and it was all perfectly acceptable.  Luke took off his robes, and Han threw them on the couch by the door.  Luke was well prepared to have an entirely normal visit, and started to give his usual greetings until Han suddenly turned him by the shoulders and kissed him deeply. 

Luke managed to break away, and looked at Han in horror.  Han grimaced and closed his eyes, horrified at his own actions and Luke’s consequent reaction.  As he bowed his head, Luke swore he saw the calendar woman still wearing his poncho, smiling warmly from some dark corner of the house.  He realized that the kiss had begun to set all his anxiety straight again, and he desperately wanted to continue.  He cupped Han’s face in his hands kissed him back, surpassing the former in passion.

“Kriff.”  Han whispered when they broke apart once again, holding Luke tightly.

“Yeah.”  Luke whispered back.  Han’s hands hungrily moved down his back to his ass, causing Luke to quickly add, “Not here.  Not in your home.”

Han went to his room to quickly pack some clothes, making sure to stow away the small tube of lube that he and Leia never needed, and he was sure she would never miss.  Luke put his robe back on, and both headed out to his groundcar, deciding to look for some out of the way inn where they could be alone together.

Late that night they held each other, basking in the bliss of the moment after (the lube apparently having made things go a lot smoother.)  Luke had curled up under the mess of blankets they made, and Han idly played with his irreparably ruffled blond hair as he smoked a cheap cigarette from the small store in the lobby.  The smoke was a smell Luke learned he loved a little too much.

Just on the edge of lucidity, Luke admitted.  “I’m so afraid.”

“Of what?”  Han asked.

“Starting up the Academy.”  Luke snuggled a little closer to Han.  “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.”

“Is that what was really causing your sleep troubles?” 

“Probably.  But this helped.”  Luke answered, drifting into the sleep that had long teased him.  Han looked upon him, feeling the pangs of love for Luke and the guilt of what he had just done while his wife was away.  Now he really was a scoundrel.


	7. Chapter 7

Jacen found his chance to confront Jaina once and for all, as he had found her listening to music outside in the hot summer air.  She had been avoiding the family for a week or so, and now here she was, finally out in the open.  Jacen pounced on his prey after carefully studying her, making sure she was totally unaware of his presence (which was impossible, but nevertheless…) “Tell me what you found!”  He yelled.

“Go away!”  She screamed, wrestling to get him off of her.

“Not until you tell me what you found!”  Jacen yelled back, as he pinned her down.

Jaina gave him a smart kick, which released her.  “What do you mean?”

“You found something you shouldn’t have, and now you’re all mopey because it was something gross wasn’t it?”  His eyes brightened at the possibility of a dead animal somewhere.  “It was something gross!”

Jaina knew what he thought it was.  “Not gory gross, not that way.”

“I knew it!  Please tell me.”  Jacen whined.

Jaina studied him, wondering how damaging it might be to him.  “If you think you can handle it.”  She relented, deciding that she couldn’t keep this to herself forever.

“I can, you know I can!”  Jacen said enthusiastically, excited that he would finally be included in his sister’s secret.

Anakin’s head peeked through the window a few floors up.  “Mom says you guys are old enough to not rough house!” Jacen and Jaina rolled their eyes to each other.  It was impossible to hide anything from Leia.

“I’ll show you tomorrow.”  Jaina said as she turned off the tinny music still playing from her little com-music player, knowing full well that Jacen was going to be relentless about it until she showed him.

“What’re you guys talkin’ about?”  Anakin yelled from above.  Before they could tell him to shut up, he had left to run downstairs.  He burst through the back door to join them.  “What’re you guys talking about?”  He repeated.

“We weren’t gonna tell you.  We could’ve told you that while you were still up there.”  Jacen said slyly. 

“WHAT?”  Anakin exclaimed, resorting his face into a pout and crossing his arms.  He looked to Jaina for help, but she only coolly regarded him, her lips pursed shut.

Anakin looked downcast for a second before perking up again.  “No matter.  I got Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara coming to be excited for.” 

Jaina’s heart sank, but she quickly covered up before her brothers could tell.  “When?”

“Tomorrow, they just commed!”  Anakin answered.  “And they’re gonna bring Ben!”  Jacen glanced at Jaina.  _You better not use this as an excuse not to show me what you found._   He vaguely threatened through their force bond.  She confirmed her promise in response.

Later Jaina snuck back into her parents’ room to find the holo, though she dreaded looking at it again.  She found it quickly, but instead of shoving it away as she had when she first found it, she regarded it curiously.  She shoved it in her pocket and carefully put the box back exactly as she found it.  Alone in her room, Jaina put aside her disgust to study it closely with a light under her blankets. 

Luke had always been conservative in his attire, rarely wearing anything other than a long sleeved shirt underneath heavy brown robes.  Jaina realized this was the first time seeing his bare arms, a weird thing she had never before noticed.  Even the day the holo was taken he had done nothing more at the beach than to wade in the still shallow area of the water, pants rolled up his calves.  She remembered he gave them the excuse that he still didn’t know how to swim, and everyone laughed.  Pinkish scars shone brightly even against Luke’s tannish skin, like tree branches, wrapping around his arms and radiating from his chest.  Jaina remembered hearing the story about how he was struck by Force Lightning from the Emperor, but she never thought that it left such marks.

Jaina was sure no one else other than Luke had joined the outing with the family.  A dull pain filled her chest as she thought about he and her dad spending the night like this when she and her brothers were sleeping just on the other side of the wall. She wondered exactly how often this happened, whether this was just one time (though by Luke's laughing smile she doubted it) or if they did this every week, a prearranged agreement of sorts. She put the holo under her pillow, knowing full well that she needed Jacen to know, too.


	8. Chapter 8

No, that was certainly not the only time Luke and Han had spent the night together in that way, but it was the only time they did it in such proximity to Han’s children.  It wasn’t every week either; they occurred more sporadically throughout the year.  Sometimes it was mission long honeymoons and others it was a quick blowjob when they said they would be working on the Falcon, or an X-Wing.

It happened too much and too often.  They both knew this.  It was whispered that this time would be the last time on the floor of one of the holding areas, in the private meditation rooms in the Temple, in the docking bay under the cover of night as tarps on downed ships ebbed and flowed in the night wind like wrathful spirits.

Where else could the two of them talk about their fears, hates, and wants, bearing their souls with complete trust in the other.  Babies happened too quickly for Han, and he was scared.  But he loved them, he assured Luke, he loved them more than anything.  But would a father do this to a family he loved?  That was a question neither of them touched on.

Once, while they were back in their old honeymoon suite, Chewbacca happened upon Han’s body twisted in the sheets on top of Luke, when he had intended to replace the some of the blankets in the crew’s quarters with clean ones.  Suddenly there Chewie was, staring in the face of the closest friend he had ever known above the face of his wife’s brother.  Everything was still, until Chewie slammed the blankets to the floor and left.  Han wrestled his way out of the sheets and hastily put on pants as he called after him.  Chewie was still standing out in the hallway when Han came out, and roared at him with all the rage a wookiee was famous for.  He advanced on Han, seemingly about to attack, when Luke came out in the hallway too, and restrained him using the Force.  Chewbacca wanted to strangle Han, tear his arms off, tear anything off, for what he saw he was doing to his family.  He looked into the pleading eyes of the man who once told him to protect his future wife if he died in the carbonite.  _“You have to take care of her!”_   “Please don’t tell her.”  Han softly begged.  Chewie would always be loyal to Han, more so than Leia, but this guilt was one he could not live with.  The little Solos wept their eyes out and clung to his fur as he was saying goodbye a week later, intending to go home to Kashyyyk. 

“That’s too bad.”  Leia said as they watched him leave.

Callista was a good distraction for Luke.  He figured that these times he spent with Han were just to fulfill a need in him to be intimate with someone.  In her he found someone to love wholeheartedly and openly; she was someone he could tell the whole universe about.  Their lovemaking was as basic and wholesome as Luke would want with a woman.  It worked for as long as it lasted, and his visits with Han was always only around Leia and other friends, and it was fine.  When she left they fell back into their old habits somehow.  “Some women are just pieces of work like that.”  Han said as Luke sat on the bed wiping away the last of the tears he shed for her.

Mara was always around, once she decided to consider Luke as a friend.  Once she had broken through her hostile barriers, she was actually well-liked by everyone.  Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin had grown up with the words “Aunt Mara” rolling off their tongues even before she and Luke had ever gotten married.  She and Han had a lot of similarities: their sense of humor, sarcasm, and temper were all in tune.  Luke had always been subconsciously attracted to her, maybe because of those things, the way she could be truly honest about herself around him, and physically (like most other men, though Luke would’ve liked to think he was better than that.)  She trusted him and treated him with a certain respect rarely anyone else got treated with from her, a trust she could determine the other person deserved.

Conversations between Luke and Mara turned to playful banter, which turned into flirting, which never went anywhere.  That is, until one night, when she became the only person ever to get him to dance. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't be afraid to comment with any constructive criticism. I post these with very little editing, and I know my writing may need a little work


	9. Chapter 9

Han and Lando had dragged Luke to some awful bar in Coruscant that he swore Luke would enjoy, to “forget about all this Jedi stuff for a while.”  Making a fool of himself in the company of close friends was one thing, but being at one of these places made him feel as though he should exude the professional restraint Jedi were known for; he should be a role model.  Luke perched himself at the corner of the bar as he had lost Lando and Han somewhere and hated this music.

A slender hand came out of the smoke and clapped him on the shoulder.  “Hey!”

Luke turned and recognized Mara and smiled in relief.  “Mara!  What are you doing here?”

“Sometimes I like to go out and get lost in these places, I don’t know.”  Mara shrugged.  “Glad I saw you though, I was about to leave because I don’t know anybody.  Why are you here?”

“What?”  Luke shouted over the bass pounding its way into his skull.

“Why are you here?”  Mara shouted back.

“Han and Lando!  But I lost them.”

“Oh.”  Mara stood looking around for a bit.  “Buy you a drink?“

“What?”  Mara indicated to the bartender to bring them each a couple of shots of Starshine. Luke balked when the tiny glasses were brought to them.  “Oh I-I don’t…”

“You should start.”  Mara grinned as she took one of the glasses. 

Five shots later, Luke was a bit livelier.  “I feel awful!”  He yelled.  Which was the funniest thing apparently, because he couldn’t stop laughing.

Mara jumped as the first few chords of the next song began.  “Kriff! Good song!”  She decided to take a leap of faith.  “Want to dance?”

If Luke had the full use of his senses, he would’ve said no.  But as is, this was the first time a pretty woman had ever asked him to dance, and his head was underwater in a swamp he desperately didn’t want to be left alone in.  He took another shot and said “Why not?”

Mara took off the long red scarf she wore with the short, black dress that she had found just that day (which made her want to go out in the first place, truthfully) and threw it around Luke’s shoulders.  “So you won’t escape!”  She shouted, because she half-thought he would.  It worked, he was completely and utterly trapped in the best way, and followed her in a haze, since he wasn’t quite sure what else to do.

Mara led him into the heart of the dance floor, the heat pumped by the veins of bodies moving in a haphazard rhythm to the hammering inside of Luke’s head.  And it was good.  The red lights above reflecting on the smoke machines below made the whole room seem as if it was possessed by a bloody mist.  But Mara was there, her face directly in front of his and acting as a steady beacon to his wavering self.  Her scarf was still playfully wrapped around Luke, and she held on to both ends as her shoulders and hips rolled in time with the music.  He was so concentrated on her he wasn’t aware of his own movements, though they must’ve been right.  Luke hadn’t been so uncontrolled in so long, having dedicated his life to achieving and keeping full awareness of himself in the Force.  He put his hands on her hips, and she smiled.

And what a smile!  Luke had never seen anything like it.  It invaded his brain like the music had, and revealed to him a brighter future than he could ever imagine.  He could see that same smile as he woke up some golden morning with the body attached to it lying naked in his arms.  He could see it peeking out of the corner of his eye as they stood back to back, light sabers out, preparing to take down a foe.  There it was, peering out from under a shimmering veil, or just above a tiny sleeping bundle in her arms.  Sometimes it was vaguer; just a laugh among the stars speeding past the windows of their ship or a tender hand reaching for his, never to part.  And Luke never wanted to lose sight of that smile for the rest of his life.

The song stopped, and so did they.  As the next song began, Mara decided it wasn’t worth their time and led Luke back to the bar.  He hardly heard her as she said that she was calling it a night, thanked him for the dance, and told him to keep the scarf.  Suddenly she was gone, and he was left there still reeling from what he saw on the dancefloor, the scarf clutched in his trembling hand.  And that was how Han found him.

“There you are!”  Han barked, jerking Luke back to reality.  Luke looked at him and he could tell something was off: he was just a bit too flushed, a bit too sweaty.  “You alright?”

“I-“  Luke murmured before leaning over and coughing, due to the sudden burn of stomach acid in the back of his throat.

“Oh! Uhhh…”  Han looked around hastily for a back exit.  “Hang in there, kid, I got you.”  He shuffled Luke out the door into the alley behind the place.  He was relieved to see that it was miraculously empty, as this was the worst possible situation anyone could see a Jedi in.  Well, one of the worst.  As soon as the door shut behind them, Luke rushed forward a bit and threw up onto the street.  Han chuckled a bit as he leaned on the brick wall, watching him.  “How’re you feelin’, buddy?”  He called.  Luke started to give him a shaking thumbs up, but stopped as he bent over to throw up again, which sent Han into fits of laughter.  He walked over to Luke and gave him a couple hard claps on the back.  “That’s right.  Get it all out.”

Luke filled his lungs deeply with the fresh night air a couple times, still doubled over with his hands on his knees and his arms holding up his torso like a dwelling on stilts.  He looked up at Han.  “I love her.”  He admitted in a roughed up voice, a little spittle hanging from the corner of his mouth.

Han’s heart clenched.  “Who?”  He asked hesitantly.

“Mara Jade.  We danced.”

“Mara was there?”  Han looked back at the bar.  “We must’ve just missed her.”

“I want to marry her.”  Luke thought he felt steady enough to stand upright, only to be overcome with a fresh dizziness. 

Han caught Luke before he toppled over.  “But, you guys have a beautiful friendship.  You wanna ruin that by rushing into a marriage?”

Though unfocussed, Luke’s eyes were suddenly blue-hot, and they burned into Han’s.  “If done right, there wouldn’t be anything to ruin.”  His head flopped over, so that he could steady his wavering vision on the ground.  “Which sounds like something you didn’t have much luck in.”

“Let’s take you home.”  Han said stiffly.  Initially he’d wanted the night to end in one of their little trysts, but it seemed like that and any other plans in the same vein they would’ve made suddenly went up in smoke.  It all depended on how Luke felt in the morning.  He was confident that then Luke would’ve forgotten all about anything that happened tonight.

“Where’s Lando?”  Luke piped up suddenly as they made their way to the front around the outside of the building.

“I think he’s going home with some twi’lek.”  Han said flippantly.

Luke in fact never forgot what he saw in Mara’s smile that night, and it clung to him until one day when he and Mara were trapped together for the sake of a mission that he promised her a life full of light, hope, and stability.  The truth in his eyes eclipsed the face of death and she agreed to the marriage, so long as they got out alive.  They did, of course (they were unstoppable as a team) and soon the announcement was made. 

A while later Luke received a message from Han: What are we going to do?  Han never received an answer.

On their wedding night Luke was left on the bed, electric anticipation keeping him alert.  Mara escaped to the refresher to take off her make-up and Luke had taken off his robes and shirt and neatly folded them.  As he laid the clothes on the dresser, he glanced in the mirror.  There was a reason for his constant conservative nature, scars from the Force lightning from Sidious branched from the center of his chest around his torso.  Han didn’t mind, he had his own scars to hide, but he felt maybe there was something that should have been left to the imagination.

His heart jumped when the door slid open, and there she was.  Mara leaned coolly against the doorframe, facing the bed, wearing only a bra with a flourish of black lace and red ribbons and a matching thong.  She had teased the curls out of her hair, and it lay about in a mess of waves around her face.  Nothing was spoken between the two as they took in each other.  Luke’s eyes were drawn to her chest, though not for the same reason it may be assumed, though they were every bit as sumptuous as some may imagine.  Instead, it was the pink Force lightning scar branches that mirrored his own almost exactly, except contrasting more with her fairer skin.  Evidently she noticed the same thing.  _We match!_   She spoke through their Force-bond.

Lost dreams shuffled their way back into Luke’s consciousness, causing him to absentmindedly whisper “What do you need?”

Mara smiled at the innocent question as she strolled to the bed.  She crawled on top of Luke, who had suddenly lost himself in her presence.  “To be loved tonight.”  She said softly back into his ear.  And that he could promise.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's going to be a lot of Luke x Mara stuff even though this is tagged as Skysolo. they are one of my otps and I really can't help myself


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to write Mara with my aromantic headcannon here. If I get anything wrong about it please let me know so I can maybe write it better in the future

Mara couldn’t promise to love him back that way.  She could promise to treat Luke with respect, to live with him being a stable center to her hectic world, to ensure that loneliness would never come creeping back into her life, but dances were just dances and smiles were just smiles.  This dewy morning eyed love whilst holding each other as the sun rose was frankly something she had no interest in.  Luke’s I love yous would often not be returned.

The first year of marriage was hard, and was something conveniently left out in Luke’s drunken vision of love in the bar.  The sex was great, there was no doubt about that, but those were the only times they could share a bed together.  Mara tossed and turned, fidgeted and kicked, and in all couldn’t get a wink of sleep while another human body was in her space.  She got up to leave when Luke drowsily sat up.

“What’re you doing?”

“I’m sorry, I was heading to the guest room.  I can’t do-“ Mara gestured to Luke and the bed.  “I can’t do this sleeping arrangement, I’m sorry.”

Luke understood that with Mara’s past this was something she would have to have time to get used to, though he hoped it wouldn’t be so.  “Come back into bed.”  He said as he took her arm and guided her back on to the bed.  “I’ll go into the other room instead.”

“I really am so sorry about this.”  Mara said in response.

“No no, I get it.”  Luke crawled out of bed.  “You just need some time to get used to this.”  He headed to the extra room, a little down about the new arrangement.

“Some time” ended up being more than a year, and Luke still hadn’t been able to move back into bed with his wife.  Understandably this put quite a strain on him, coupled with the fact that not once Mara had been able to say “I love you” back.  Only with Han he was able to voice his frustrations, but not going into too much detail.  Eventually Han suggested he go on the little vacation with his family.

“We’ll have a lot of fun, and you can do anything you want to get your mind off everything for a little while.”  Han assured Luke over the com.  Luke was well versed enough to know what Han was hinting at.

“Anything?”  Luke timidly asked.

“Well…I want my friend to be happy again.”  Han said.

“But,” Luke leaned and whispered “the kids.”

“It’ll be ok.”  Han assured him.  “I bet nothing like that will happen, just come and have a good time.”  Luke knew that was a lie.

A few days later Luke began packing for the trip.  As he did, Mara’s slightly open underwear drawer burned just beyond his vision.  _You can do anything you want…_ Han’s voice echoed in his head.

Mara loved buying and wearing lingerie, and Luke loved it too, though not necessarily because of seeing it on her body.  They were so dainty, frivolous, and unnecessary, and Luke never knew such pretty things could exist.  The things went against all of Tatooine’s unwritten laws about wearing only what will protect one from the anger of the double suns.  Often while Mara was away, he would take either the panties or the bras out and rub it gently on his face.  The feel of soft lace and silk felt so good, good enough to have him wonder what it would be like to actually wear it.  Shocked at the idea, Luke would throw the item back into the drawer, embarrassed at where he let his mind wander.  But now…

Luke opened the drawer a little bit more and dug through until he found his favorite item, a red thong flourished with black lace.  It was an old piece that Mara had lost interest in long ago, and he was sure she wouldn’t miss it.  He tossed it in with his other things and clicked the suitcase shut.

Everything was more fun when Uncle Luke was around, and the Solo kids were ecstatic to have him come.  This was especially so because he tended to spoil them while their dad was a bit careless, two things which never would’ve been allowed if mom had come.  They kissed her goodbye and told her they’d miss her all the same as Han got the Millennium Falcon ready to go.

They had purchased three hotel rooms: one for Han, one for the kids, and one for Luke.  Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin wouldn’t stop bouncing on the springy beds, and was soon joined by Luke.  They continued like this for a while before Han barked at them to quit it before someone called the hotel law enforcement on them (not that such a thing existed.)

The day was filled with energetic tumbling and swimming at the beach with frosty treat for dinner.  Since Han had remembered, (or rather, Leia put it on his bed as he was packing) the imager many holos were taken of cream smeared grins and sandy arms and legs.  Some crooked shots were even taken by little Anakin, who insisted on having a go at the imager.  After getting cleaned up (in the fancy bath tub!) the kids were asleep haphazardly on one bed, too tired to even go to separate beds.

That night Han laid awake in bed, anxious to see whether Luke would come to his room.  He wanted to let Luke be the one to join him this time, since he wasn’t sure if he would be up for it or not.  His heart leapt when the soft knock came at the door late into the night, but he acted cool when he answered the door to a slightly shaking Luke.

“You said we could do anything to get me feeling good again?”  Luke asked.  Han nodded seriously in response.  Luke glanced toward the direction of the kids’ room before burying himself into Han’s chest in a starved embrace.  Han held him tightly in return and twisted him into the room as he shut the door behind them.

“Tell me what’s going on.”  Han murmured into Luke’s hair.

“Mara doesn’t love me.”  Luke said back into Han’s chest.

Han gently broke Luke away a bit by taking him by the shoulders.  “What?”

“I mean she can’t.”  Luke’s eyes shined over as he looked into Han’s.  “She doesn’t have feelings like that for other people.”

“Did you know about this before you guys got married?”  Han asked.

“She told me beforehand.”  Luke admitted.  “But I still wanted to go through with it.”  He fell back into Han.  “I thought I could love enough for both of us.  I thought I could be enough.”

“Hey…”  Han shot Luke one of his more charming smiles.  “You’re enough for me, sweet-thing.”  That got a playfully exasperated grin out of Luke, especially at the fact that this was the first time Han ever called him by a pet name.  He then pulled Han back into the hug and kissed his cheek.  Han kissed his cheek back tenderly and whispered “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“I’m sure, dear.”  Luke smiled, more than happy to using terms like this to someone who could reciprocate them.  “I just need to go grab something.”  Han let him go as he headed back to his room.

When Luke came back he went straight into Han’s refresher with the thong balled up in his hand.  Once in there he spread out the fancy little piece of cloth and slowly put it on his face, breathing it in and savoring it, hoping to the Force that Han wouldn’t make fun or worse, get disgusted by him when he came out.  He hastily stripped down and stepped hesitantly into the panty. He then eased it up his legs, trying not to rip it or stretch it too much.  It was especially tricky trying to make it fit comfortably over his dick, as the fabric did feel as good there as it did on his face, and was working a little too well.

Luke finally emerged, holding his breath and closing his eyes in embarrassment.  Encountering only silence, he slowly opened his eyes to Han covering with his hand the biggest smile he had ever given.  Relieved, Luke asked “What do you think?”

“I think I should’ve bought you dinner first.”  Han joked. 

Luke chuckled and made his way to join Han on the bed.  “Maybe you should have.  I’m starving.”  He said sensually.

“Let’s see what we can do about that.”  Han flirted back as he quickly shuffled off his pants. 

Luke eyed Han’s cock keenly, the thong becoming especially uncomfortable now.  “Yes.”  He said, leaning over it.  “Let’s.”  He started teasing it with his tongue the way he remembered Han liked, before wrapping it bit by bit, more and more with his mouth and sucking.  Han sat straight up in bed, careful not to make any noise lest he woke the sleeping children just a wall over.  Luke lay close to the bed on his arms and knees, savoring one of his most guilty pleasures in tastes and loving the hard breathing and soft moans he caused Han to make.

Luke had enough practice at this that he could almost deep-throat it at this point, and Han knew just when to pull his hair to make him go faster.  They had become in tandem at this; while the hair-pulling turned Luke on even more, it also signaled to him that Han was going to come soon.  Aware of his growing volume, Han took one of the pillows and stuffed it in his mouth, letting out a groaning release into it as he orgasmed, Luke taking it and swallowing it cleanly.

A bit overcome by the intensity by which he came, Han leaned his head against the headboard contently.  He placidly looked at Luke, who had sat up on his knees, his inadequate covering having had given up on its gallant endeavor.  “That looks a bit uncomfortable on you.  Maybe I should help you out with that.”  He leaned forward and pushed the willing Luke on to his back, and deliberately dove toward his groin.  Luke obliged in anticipation be moving toward the end of the big bed, allowing Han more room to work.  He gasped as he felt Han’s teeth at his hip, biting the poor garment and easing it off with his mouth partway before taking it fully off with his hands.  It was a trick Leia loved.

“Oh!”  Luke cried innocently as he felt Han’s rough tongue slide from his balls up his cock.  At this Han stopped to shush him and stuff the other side of the pillow on his face.  Luke needed it much more than Han did, because although Han didn’t have as much practice in this field, Luke was a loud audience.  His muffled moans, groans, and sighs into the pillow he held to his face made it difficult for Han to suck since he was laughing at it.  Luke’s orgasm was the loudest of all, and Han didn’t take it as well, rushing to the refresher to spit it out in the sink.   Luke couldn’t help his raucous laughter at this.

“Sorry I’m not as great at this as you are.”  Han said as he returned, wiping his mouth.  As Luke continued to laugh uncontrollably Han tried to shush him.  “What the hell are you doing, you’re going to have the hotel law enforcement at our door at this rate!”  Which only made Luke laugh harder.  It was infectious, and soon Han fell over Luke in bouts of frenzied laughter too. 

When they finally quieted down they lay together haphazardly on the bed.  “I love you.”  Luke said.

“I love you, too.”  Han replied.

Eventually they were curled together properly under the covers and slept.  Luke was happier than he had been in a while, paying no heed to any thoughts of guilt he may have about doing this already to his still new wife.  Han woke up earlier than Luke the next morning, and was overtaken by how cute Luke looked in his bed that he took the imager and snapped a holo of him.  This woke him up, and he was quickly on his knees trying to grab the imager away from Han just as he was taking another one.

“I won’t pose for any dirty holos for you!”  Luke playfully shouted.

“Come ON!”  Han teased.  “Get that pillow out of here!”

It was a good thing Jaina didn’t flip through anymore holos after that when she found the album four years later, for she would’ve seen Luke holding the pillow aside, offering a little teasing glimpse of his penis, in the next one.


	11. Chapter 11

Leia decided to straighten up her and Han’s bedroom closet one day.  As she was doing so, she saw that the special box they kept their sexual things hidden away from little prying eyes and fingers was slightly ajar.  In opening it she noticed their little tube of lubricant was nearly empty.  This was strange because she never really needed it, it was a bachelorette party gift.  She called him into the room.

“Who is she?”  Leia angrily asked.

“What the hell do you mean?”  Han asked back.

“You know we’ve never need to use this.”  Leia jerked the nearly flattened tube into his face.  “So who have you been with that needed it?”

“How do you know I haven’t been using it on myself?”

Leia shot him a beautifully sarcastic look of disbelief.  “Please be honest with me.”  Genuine pleading seeped through to the surface of her face.  “Please.”  Han sighed.  “Han.”

“Leia.”

 

* * *

 

Mara hastily dug through her underwear drawer.  “Luke!”  She called.  Luke walked in and his Force presence jumped a bit at the sight of the drawer open, which Mara took for embarrassment.  “Have you seen the red thong with the black lace anywhere?”

Luke tried to hide his distress, since the lace had ripped and the material stretched after the first night at the hotel, and he had thrown it out just before they left.  “Why do you need it?”

“Why does it matter?  Where could it have gone to?”  Mara asked as she shoved more of her panties aside.  She let out a roar of frustration.  “I suppose you don’t know what happened to the purple, blue, and black ones either, do you?”

“I have absolutely no idea, dear.”  Luke replied calmly, knowing of course full well where it had gone, along with the three others she named.  He had developed a habit of taking them on nights she was away on missions and he was especially lonely, throwing each one away after ruining it.

Mara looked hard into his eyes.  “Are you sure?”

* * *

 

“There’s something I need to tell you.”  Han grimaced as he could see Leia’s heart breaking.

* * *

 

“I’ve got nothing to tell you.”  No emotion betrayed Luke’s face.

* * *

 

Anakin could barely remember the time he found his mother crying silently in her office.  He had felt her sadness and opened the door even though he knew he probably shouldn’t, but rules for him could be broken if someone needed comfort.

“What did I say about coming into my office when the door’s closed?  Leia’s tear stained voice demanded weakly.

“You okay?”  Anakin asked.

“No I’m not.”  Leia always believed in being as honest as she could with her children.

“Why?”

Leia deliberated on her answer and decided on “Sometimes I’ve just had enough.”  That seemed simple enough for her littlest son to understand.  “And I want to go away.”

Anakin crawled up in her lap and wrapped his arms around her neck.  “Please don’t.”  He mumbled.

Leia sighed and made her decision, for him and the rest of her children.  “I don’t think I will.”  She murmured back.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of miscarriages. This one gets kind of dark...

Of course that time during vacation was supposed to be the last time.  Losing himself to bliss was now even more dangerous since Luke had gotten married.  He loved Mara, he loved her with all his heart, but…

                It was so difficult sometimes.  First it was the sleeping arrangement, then it was the prospect of having a family.  As the days and weeks went on Luke couldn’t help but feel that the house was a little too empty when the Solos went back home, a little too quiet.  His little niece and nephews awakened a love for babies in him when they were born, and he would spend most of his visits to Han and Leia’s rolling around and gurgling with them.  His love for them hadn’t died down once they were grown, but now with his being married to Mara there was the chance that he could fill the house with that innocent liveliness, the playing, the laughing again.

                Mara unfortunately didn’t share that need.  “Do you know how many fluids leak from babies?”  She would snap when Luke would bring up the subject.  “Too many for me to comfortably deal with.”  Night would make her a bit more sincere.  “I don’t even think I can.”  She would confess.

                She grew confident once she found out she became pregnant.  It wasn’t exactly planned, as it was probably the result of an encounter she and Luke had in one of the base refreshers in the hour or so they had together during each of theirs’ separate missions.  But there was hope, and happiness, and light that shone in Luke’s eyes once the test came back positive, and they held each other laughing, repeating “this is happening, this is happening…”

                After the miscarriage Luke held Mara in their bed all night for the first time in their entire marriage.  She for once didn’t mind at all, she needed him there to get her through the immense pain and shock.  The only way to describe losing it was that it hurt, and that’s all she could mutter to him that night.  “It hurt, so much.”  This happens to nearly all women, the medcenter workers assured her, especially when it’s their first time getting pregnant; your body just simply wasn’t ready yet.

                Pregnancy occurred once again after an intense need by the both of them to feel something again.  Luke wanted to love his wife again, just like he had when they first started off on a new life together.  Mara simply wanted to love her husband, the same love he had for her.  This anger at themselves made for an almost violent night in bed, scratching and pounding each other until the rock on the flint could start a spark on the dry wood.  Afterwards, the anger Luke had at himself grew into fear once he saw the bruises he left on his beloved’s back and marks from his lips and teeth on her neck.  Mara assured him it was all right.

                After the second miscarriage Han held Luke in his bed all night.  It wasn’t immediately after of course, just when Mara would hardly look at him anymore.  The night with Han wasn’t especially a grand time, he really just needed to be touched.  And it was only in this bed that Luke could admit something he felt to another human being that he could hardly admit to himself.

                “What if she…” The words gurgled like acid in Luke’s throat.  “What if she did it on purpose?”  He asked Han in the dark before breaking down in tears at the hatred of himself for even considering such a thing.

                Han wasn’t exactly sure how to respond.  Mara was such a wild one to him that anything, even the darkest assumptions, was possible with her.  “She couldn’t have gone that far, could she?”  He asked.

                “I don’t know.  She was so unsure about having a baby before that maybe she got scared and…”  Luke’s thought was broken off by another sob.

                Han sat up with Luke and affectionately grabbed his shoulder.  “I think you’re the one that’s scared.” He told him, sensing the fear and hatred Luke still carried for himself.  “And I think you should trust Mara.  That’s just the thing to do when you’re married.”  It wasn’t right to him that Luke should doubt the one person he promised the rest of his life to when he didn’t for nearly everyone else, even the man who was the reason for losing his hand.

                Luke knew this too.  “I just wanted a kid so badly, I just must have lost myself.”  He admitted.  “I’m so sorry.”  He said to the dark, hoping that, even though he had shut himself off from their bond for the night, she would know.

                When he did come back to her side, they never slept in separate beds in their house ever again.


	13. Chapter 13

Jacen hung close to his twin irritatingly all day until she led him into her room.  Still assuming it was some sort of gross animal he asked “It’s in here?  You’ve been keeping it in here?”  The boy was practically vibrating out of his skin in anticipation.

                Jaina sighed and grabbed the pillow, but didn’t move it.  “You gotta promise not to tell anyone, especially Dad or Uncle Luke.”

                This was confusing, since the command was usually not to tell Mom.  “Uncle Luke?”  Jacen inquired.

                Jaina nodded as she hesitantly started moving the pillow aside.  Just as the holo was about to be revealed, Anakin burst into the room.  “They’re here!”  He noticed that his siblings didn’t look as thrilled as he himself felt.  “What’s going on?”

                “Nothing, we’ll be downstairs in a second.”  Jacen snapped.  Caught off guard, Anakin awkwardly shuffled away.  “Just show me real quick!”  He hissed to Jaina.  She was frightened at the way her brother talked to her, of the intensity of his eyes.  How much did he obsess over this?

                “Kids!  Get down here and greet your Aunt and Uncle!”  Han’s voice roared from below, causing them both to jump.  At the thought of having to see Luke in person Jaina began to feel a little queasy.

                “We should go.”  Jaina said harshly, sliding the pillow back into place.  Jacen made a move to the pillow himself, but his arm was caught in a strong grip by Jaina.  She looked him hard in the eyes and said “I’ll show you in in a little bit, I promise.”  He sighed loudly in response and made a show out of rolling his eyes.  “Just wait a little longer, when everyone else has gone outside or something.” 

                Jacen jerked his arm out of Jaina’s hand.  “Fine.”  He then turned and huffed out of the room.  Jaina paused for a while before going and retrieving the holo from underneath the pillow, sliding it into her pants pocket.  Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she went to join the rest of her family.

                It was awkward to say the least for Jaina to hug Luke, which was something she would have never imagined feeling.  It was even more awful seeing him and Han interact just as if they were plain old friends and brothers-in-law, laughing and joking and overall just acting sickingly _normal_ around each other.  In knowing the truth, Jaina felt herself burn with an unnatural rage at them both, and turned away from the sight of them to find a froggy smile underneath the hood of a baby carrier.  She walked toward it and bent down to get a better look at her baby cousin’s sleeping face.

                “Don’t let that face fool you, when he’s awake he makes sure you know how angry he is.”  Mara’s low voice cut through the clamor of visiting family members just a few feet away.  “Something he probably gets from me.”  She winked.  Mara had already made herself comfortable on the living room couch, elegantly lounging across it like some ancient odalisque in an oil painting an old Imperial Admiral would have owned.  Jaina allowed herself to giggle a little and got up to give her a hug and a polite kiss on the cheek in greeting.

                “I don’t think he could be that bad.”  Jaina said.

                “You don’t have to sleep in the same house as him.”  Mara sharply replied, straightening out the large, fashionable poncho she used to cover up slightly thickened frame.

                As the rest of the Solos went into the kitchen to bring out some drinks, Luke came over to join his wife, niece, and softly dozing son.  “What are you ladies talking about?”  He asked playfully.  Jaina felt the holo itself start to burn in her pocket, and she retreated into herself a bit in his presence.  Only Mara’s keen eye noticed this.

                “I was telling Jaina that Ben isn’t always the little Iegoan Angel he looks like today.”  Mara said.

                “Oh,” Luke chuckled.  “That’s unfortunately true, Jaina.  I think this is the longest we’ve actually gotten little Benny to sleep.”  He sighed affectionately as he looked at the tiny baby.  Jaina only then noticed the subtle bags under her uncle’s eyes from lack of sleep.  “I told you the groundcar ride would do the trick.”  He added, to which Mara nonchalantly shrugged.  A call from the kitchen dragged Luke away from the little gathering.

                Mara then decided to lead the offense in affection to Jaina.  “All right, what’s wrong?”  She asked bluntly.

                “What?”  Jaina’s defenses went up immediately.

                “You think I didn’t notice you tighten up when Luke came over here?”  Jaina’s heart sank as she wondered why Mara had to notice everything, just like her mom.  She decided it was talent probably given to women as soon as they became mothers.  “Come on, you know you can tell me anything.”

                “I really don’t have anything to tell you.”  Jaina snapped, feeling bad about her tone almost as soon as she uttered that sentence.

                To her relief, Mara only smiled understandingly.  “You didn’t accidentally burn something down at the Academy, did you?”  She joked.  “Knowing the types of things you and your brothers get yourselves into.”

                “It’s really nothing, I’m…I’m just not feeling too well.”  Jaina admitted somewhat truthfully.  The only burning thing around her was the holo.  Her heart pounded as she looked at her aunt, the love and respect for her overwhelming any secret she kept hidden.  “Aunt Mara?”  She let slip.

                Mara looked at her, expecting more.  After a few seconds she raised an eyebrow.  “Yes?”

                “I just,”  Jaina started, and Mara leaned forward, concern spreading across her face.  “I just think that you should know that…”  Jaina glanced at the kitchen, knowing that was where her father and Luke were together right now.  She willed herself not to give anything away just yet.  “You’re the best aunt and teacher anyone could ever ask for.”  Jaina finally said.  “And no matter what happens, or what you find out about anyone or anything, or something, I want you to know that, at least.”

                Mara let the very bizarre declaration sink in a little bit, before letting out a drawn out “Okay-y-y?”  She saw Jaina turn a little pink before deciding to relieve the tension.  “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know already!”  She remarked.  Jaina gave no smile in return, only thinking that she almost did.  Without another word, she turned and left to go back upstairs.  A few seconds later Jacen rushed up after her, only acknowledging Mara’s existence with a slight wave as he ran by.

                Leia strolled in soon after with two tall glasses of some fruity concoction she mixed up in the kitchen, a favorite of her kids’.  She set them down on the end table before bending down to admire Ben.  “Hello!”  She gently cooed.  “How’s my handsome nephew?”  The smile disappeared as he blinked is eyes awake.

                “Oh no.”  Mara said warily at the sight of her son’s pursed little frown.

                “He’s not crying just yet,” Leia said.  “Can I take him out?”

                “If you’re brave enough.”

                Anakin, in his ever working intuition that baby holding could commence, came in from the kitchen just as Leia was unbuckling Ben from his carrier.  “Can I hold him?” 

                Leia could sense the slight panic Mara felt in the Force behind her as she surveyed her youngest son’s hands and mouth, sticky with the chocolate from the snacks his father had let him get into too early.  “Not yet, he just woke up.”  She said as she cupped the little head and gently lifted Ben from his carrier.  “Maybe he’ll be ready once you go and wash up.”  Tired of perpetually being sent away, Anakin obediently turned went to the upstairs refresher.

                Mara decided to confront Leia about the strangeness she noticed in Jaina.  “Do you, by chance, have any idea what’s going on with Jaina?”

                “Oh,” Leia smiled down at Ben’s big blue eyes as they opened wider in curiosity, a blue that would never fade thanks to his father’s influence in his genetic makeup.  “She’s gotten herself into a mood, I suppose.”  She said absentmindedly.  “I hoped she’d be over it today, but I guess you had to see it too.  I think you and I could probably guess the reason for it.”  Leia gave her a knowing glance, which Mara did not return.  She then turned her attention back to Ben, rocking him slightly as she asked “Am I not going to get a smile from you today?”

               

                “I just don’t know if you’re ready to see this.”  Jaina said once Jacen confronted her back in her room.  She herself had almost let the secret out to Mara, and with Jacen acting the way he was she wasn’t sure if he was anymore ready to handle it than she was.

                “Jaina!”  Jacen whined.  “You know mom said it was cruel to tease people like this.”

                “I’m not trying to tease you, Jacen.”

                “Then show it to me!  I know it’s in your pocket, it can’t be that bad if it can fit in there.”

                Anakin then burst into the room (really the only way he knew how to enter a room) after overhearing the conversation in the refresher.  “Fit what in where!”

                Jacen, seeing the corner of the holo stick out from Jaina’s pocket, took advantage of Jaina’s distraction by Anakin.  “Ha!”  He exclaimed, knowing he had found it by feeling Jaina’s jump of fear in the Force.  He grabbed for it, and Jaina promptly retaliated, resulting in fight as they both tumbled on to the ground in front of an extremely amused Anakin. 

The two twisted and punched and bit each other in an all-out brawl, and in the excitement neither of them realized the holo had slipped out of Jaina’s pocket.

“What’s this?”  A shocked and solemn voice stopped the match right in its tracks.  Jaina looked up to see Anakin’s horrified face as he looked at the holo in his hand, and her heart plopped and fizzled in her stomach acid.  “Jaina?  Who is that?” 

Jacen leaped to his feet and ran to look at the holo.  “What the hell?  Is that Uncle Luke?”  Jaina nodded as tears pinpricked the back of her eyes. 

“Why doesn’t he have pants on?”  Anakin asked innocently.

 Like Jaina had when she first found it, Jacen checked the date of the holo.  “This is from that vacation we had a couple years ago wasn’t it.”  Jaina nodded again.  “Mom didn’t go with us on that one.”  She saw the realization hit him as hard as it did for her, and genuine hurt hung from Jacen’s features.  It caused her to finally let herself cry freely.

“What’s that mean?”  Anakin asked, getting second-hand sorrow from his brother and sister, and starting to panic.

“It means Dad didn’t want to be with Mom, he wants to be with Uncle Luke.  He’s the one who took that kriffing picture of him to use it for…whatever.”  Jacen said, anger bubbling to the surface instead of sadness.

Tears were filling Anakin’s eyes as he tried to make sense of what he was hearing.  “But, he loves Mom!  He’s only with Mom!”

“Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be.”  Jacen replied, hatred lining every word.  He then turned and rushed out the door, taking the holo with him.

“Jacen!”  Jaina yelled after him, before getting up to go after him, Anakin numbly in tow.

The three of them ran down the stairs, Jaina desperately trying to crush her grief with every step she took, calling Jacen’s name as he had already disappeared in search of Han.  Anakin was so oblivious to the situation that he missed the last few steps and fell hard on his face.  Normally this was something that would have elicited much laughter, but it was only a pitiful setback to their mission.  Instead of bouncing back up again, Anakin curled up at the bottom of the stair, crying and wiping the blood away from his leaking nose.  Leia, now by herself, saw all of this occur, and rushed over to check to see if any serious damage had been done.  She was bewildered by Jacen angrily running outside after what sounded like a fight upstairs, and suddenly was followed by her other two children in practical hysteria.

“Look at me, Nik, are you all right?”  Leia asked in a panicked voice.  She turned to her daughter, who was sobbing nearby.  “Baby, what happened upstairs?”

Jaina ignored the question, and instead answered with her own.  “W-Where’s Aunt Mara?”

“She’s in the guest room feeding Ben.  Jaina what in the-“

Jacen came back in from outside, and promptly rushed to join the crowd at the bottom of the stairs.  “Where’s Dad?”  He demanded.

“Everybody calm down for one second!”  Leia exploded.  “What is going on?”  She asked to the three quieted faces surrounding her.

“Jaina found a holo.”  Jacen mumbled.

“And that’s why my children have been acting like a Death Star has set its sights directly on this house?”  There was no answer as the kids looked at each other, knowing exactly what question their mother would ask next.  “Can I see this famous holo?”  Anakin and Jaina both glanced at Jacen with tear stained eyes as he reluctantly put the holo in Leia’s outstretched hand.   Tension filled the air as Leia looked at the holo a long time, no expression betraying her thoughts.  “You said Jaina found this?”  She finally asked Jacen, to which he gave a shuddering nod.  She then distanced herself from the trio and paced a bit.  “Jacen, go find your brother a cloth or something to stop his nose-bleed.  Jaina, I want to talk with you on the couch.”


	14. Chapter 14

Soon all four of them were sitting together, Jaina and Leia on one end and Jacen and Anakin numbly observing their conversation from the other end of the couch.  Leia calmly interviewed her daughter about the circumstances surrounding the discovery of the holo, trying to glean as much information as she could while comforting her at the same time. 

Unaware of the crisis happening in the living area, Mara had crept out the backdoor with Ben in tow, hoping to get him some sun.  Out on the patio Luke and Han were visiting, drinking some of the sickingly sweet, but refreshing beverage they had made earlier.  Luke gave a huge smile and jumped up as Mara joined them, taking the very little baby from her and holding him against his chest, as he cooed greetings to him in very much the same way as his sister had before.

“Okay.  Hold him still as I put his hat on.”  Mara commanded.  “Careful, he just ate.  I did burp him, but you never know-“

“Oh I think he’ll be fine without the hat.”  Luke benignly interjected as he gently bounced him.

Nevertheless Mara put the floppy little sunhat on Ben’s head and did her best to tie the strings under his chin.  “He’s still pretty small, and I don’t want him to get heatstroke, or anything like that.”   Luke looked at Han with a smile of slight annoyance. “Besides, I think he’s got delicate skin, like me.”  Han let out an audible snort at the implication that anything about Mara could be considered “delicate”.  This prompted a quick glare from her in his direction.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about; the boy’s from good Tatooine stock.”  Luke said playfully.  Ben managed to look somewhat disgruntled from under the shade of his sunhat, irritated by the overly bright sun that still somehow managed to disturb his eyes.  He closed them and found solace in putting his fingers in his mouth and being rocked by the steady motion of his father’s body as Luke carried him over to his Uncle Han to be handed off again.   

Leia walked with a heavy heart toward the back porch after her conversation with Jaina.  The day had been going so well, and it all went to hell so quickly.  She sighed before opening the door to face the people closest to her that she had ever let into her life.  There they were, Han, Luke, and Mara, enjoying the afternoon sun as they all sat together.  Han and Mara looked as though they had been teasing each other, and Luke had his head thrown back in laughter.  In the crook of Han’s arm, Ben pouted, a silent observer to the revelry.

They all looked at Leia joyously as she stood in the doorway.  “Leia!”  Luke exclaimed.  “You should’ve been here, Han just said the-“

“That’s nice.”  Leia said curtly.  “Han, we have to talk inside.  Now.”  Everyone’s faces dropped at the sudden harsh tone of her voice.  “In fact I think everyone should come inside.”  She continued, noting Mara’s confusion especially.  Without another word everyone followed her back into the house.

Back in the living room they’d encountered the puzzling sight of three miserable kids sitting on the couch, kids just minutes before seemed to be having the time of their lives.  Jacen focused on Han immediately, sullen anger set on his face.  Near him sat Anakin, messily wiping away tears from his face, and holding a slightly bloodied towel against his nose.  Jaina sat opposite them on the couch, curled up in silence as she hid her face.

“What happened here?”  Han asked softly, handing Ben back off to Mara.

“Jaina found something a few days ago.”  Leia answered.  “Something _you_ probably hadn’t meant for any of us to find.” 

Han quickly ran through his mind everything, which was quite a lot actually, he had that he didn’t want his kids to find.  Just before he landed on it, Leia shoved the thing he didn’t want them to find the most in his hand.  _Oh Hell_ , he mouthed as he looked at the holo, and turned bright red.  He looked up and met Leia’s eyes, barely holding back tears, before looking away in shame.

“What is it?”  Luke inquired as he looked over Han’s shoulder.  His mouth suddenly went very dry.  He looked up at Han in shock, but Han didn’t meet his gaze. 

Extreme concern washed over Mara’s face as she went over to see the holo too.  “Luke?  What is it?”

Leia immediately stepped between her and the two men.  “Maybe you had better sit down for this.”  She said quietly.  Mara held on to Ben a little tighter in fear as she backed up and sank onto the couch between the kids.

“So we’re going to do this here, right now?”  Han directed toward Leia, whatever anger those words might’ve held eclipsed by embarrassment and sadness.

“I think that’s fair.”  Leia retorted, her own tears starting to fall.  Luke drifted away in his own silent agony.

“Leia.”  Mara pleaded, and Leia turned to meet her gaze.  After taking a deep breath she handed the holo to her.

 


	15. Chapter 15

It was in the midst of the colder months on Coruscant when Han had returned from a long diplomacy mission in the Outer Rim, his least favorite kind of mission, but had done it since Leia said that his knowledge of seedy, backwater planet culture made him perfect for the job.  He was looking for the kind of action he didn’t believe his wife would be able to offer upon his return, and met Luke at one of their favorite dives on Coruscant.  It was a place where meetings of this sort happened between beings from all walks of life happened, and there was an unspoken policy that mouths would remain shut.

Han found Luke halfway through a beer at the bar and came right up to him.  Luke uttered a cold greeting to him before sinking back into his drink.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  Han was immediately defensive, which Luke was afraid of.

“It means I was debating coming here tonight.”  Luke answered in a monotone.  “And in fact I think I still am.”  He took another sip.

Han knew what Luke was possibly getting at, but still pursued.  “What are you getting at?”

“I think we are both well aware that what we’re doing is wrong.”

Han began to get angry.  “And it’s only now that this is occurring to you.”

“No.”  Luke sighed.  “I think about it after every time we’ve done something.”

Han winced, thinking about the moments he thought were pure bliss they shared.  “Really?”

“Every time since Chewbacca left.”  Luke knew that would have a big effect on Han, and he watched as his words echoed across Han’s features.  Luke could read him like a book, and could tell that Han was falling back on one of his old methods when he didn’t get his way.  He would try to make a deal.

“Yeah but…”  Han looked around frantically at the shelves of bottles lining the back of the bar, trying to find some way to salvage his night.  “Look, one last time, that’s all I’m askin’”

“Han…”  Luke groaned as Han sat next to him.

Han’s eyes landed on an expensive bottle of golden liquor.  “You like Starshine right?  Let me buy you some shots of Starshine, we go out back, and we’ll walk away from all of this like old buddies.”  He saw Luke roll his eyes uncomfortably.  “I mean, you ended up coming here for a reason, right?”

“Look,”  Luke said, “Do you ever just think about, you know, if your kids ever found out about this?  Because every time I’m around them I do.”

“That won’t happen.”

“Think about Jacen and Anakin, Han, how would you feel if they found out, and learned that this is an okay thing to do to people, to their own wives?”  A valve had opened in Luke’s heart, and all the guilt he kept bottled up seemed flow out.  “Do you want them to get this from you?”

Han looked toward the floor.  “I don’t want them to get anything from me.”

That triggered some of Luke’s famous affection.  “I didn’t mean all of you, just this one part.”  He gently placed his hand on Han’s arm.  “And for now I think we can fix it.”

Han sighed a deep sigh.  “All right.  Just one last time-“  Luke groaned.  “Just let me have tonight, and I can let go.”

Luke could tell Han was being genuine, and although he had some deep inhibitions about doing this, he felt that after all they had been through together, he could muster up the strength to commit one last act.  “All right, get me the shots first.”

After a few shots Luke felt dulled enough to give Han what he wanted, and they headed out the backway out into the alley together. 

Luke stood facing Han, who was standing against the brick wall.  “This is the last time,”  He said through his haze.  “I mean it.  Then we’ll move on, and nobody will be hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Han said dismissively, but he knew it was the truth.

“And we’ll never talk about what happened these past years.”

Han sighed.  “Yeah.”  He said again.

“But we can still be friends.”  Luke said quickly.  Han nodded  as Luke took a steadying breath and got on his knees before him.

Han unzipped his pants and slid them off enough for Luke to have access, yet still be somewhat protected from the cold.  The cold was exactly what Luke’s state of mind focused on; the chill seemed to have been the universe punishing him slowly for what he was doing.  He looked in foggy disgust at the organ directly in front of his face, for that, he realized was all it really was.  A poorly placed organ on the outside of the body, in an especially vulnerable part.  It was either that thought or the alcohol that sent a small wave of nausea over him. 

“Gods, Luke, Come on!  It’s cold!”  Luke looked up at him, a slightly angry expression on his face, but saying nothing as he closed his eyes and went for it.  As he sucked all he could think about was how cold it was, and how much he wanted to be in bed.  His own bed.  With Mara.  He quickly shoved her out of his head, since he didn’t want her to be somehow included in this.  He heard Han moan a little, and he thought about how much he enjoyed the soft moans Mara would sometimes emit when they were making love, which were rare as she didn’t often permit herself to be especially loud.  Luke tried hard to shove her out again, but couldn’t quite do it, since she would always have a way of barging into him.  He loved that part of her.  Luke loved Mara.

Han on the other hand, was distracted by how much he would miss being in this position.  While the Jedi commanded quite presence these days, it was nothing like the power they had when he was a kid.  As a child he never had the least bit control over his circumstances, and the Jedi ruled over the galaxy like gods.  During this time he had some power over the son of one the most powerful Jedi of that time, and the most powerful one now.  He loved Luke, but this feeling of power, no matter how insignificant it seemed, had impacted him in a way that he would never really let go.

Finally, as Han was about to come, Luke couldn’t handle anymore and jerked his head away, releasing Han’s dick from his mouth and subjecting his face to the sickingly warm spray of semen.  “What the hell!”  Han exclaimed in a loud whisper, as he quickly shoved his pants back up.  “What’d you do that for?” 

Luke had sat back on the ground pathetically, wiping his face with the sleeve of his coat.  The harsh material rubbed his face a bit raw.  “I’m going home now.”  He said, as he got up.

Han took a few deep breaths, then asked “Are you sure you’re good to go home?”

“I’m sure.”  Luke snapped as he hurried away toward his landcar.  He drove a bit before pulling over to make sure that he removed all the evidence from his face.  When he finally exhausted nearly every napkin in the vehicle he looked at himself in the mirror.  Luke had never loathed himself as much as he did as he looked at his red, blotchy, tired reflection.  The thought that this had been a mistake kept repeating itself through his mind, nearly driving him mad.  Neither he nor Han deserved a “one last time”.  They’d had enough times together, and the night only resulted in him betraying Mara again.

Luke stayed mired in his self-pity for a while before deciding on what to do.  He drove to the nearest service station and altered his appearance in the Force a bit in order not to attract any attention.  He walked into the station and bought a pack of Mara’s favorite cigarettes from back when they first became friends (she had quit some years before, but he thought this would be a nice treat), a lighter, and some sweets.

As he drove home he explored the thoughts that had intruded upon him as he was with Han.  Whether Mara was a person who was easy to live with or not, she had brought a sense of completeness to his life that he probably wouldn’t have found any other way.  Above all, she had made him so happy.  It was that simple.  That happiness was such a precious gift that Luke wondered how he had ever thought he had been as happy with Han.  He hoped that Han had realized that he could have that same happiness with Leia.

It started to rain an unusual late rain for this season as Luke left the station, and by the time he pulled up to his house it was a full on sleet that bit through his clothes even during the short walk up the pathway.  He brushed away the previous thought that the universe was punishing him in his bliss, and went happily into the house, almost giddy with anticipation of giving the little presents to Mara and hopefully earning his way back into their marriage bed.

Upon entering he immediately rushed to the master bedroom, where the promise of a warm bed waited for Luke.  Mara had been quietly reading to herself when he burst in.  She looked up in slight shock at the drenched, half-crazed man standing in the doorway. 

“Luke!”  She remarked.

“Darling!”  He exclaimed wildly.

“Where have you been?  You weren’t around when I came home and I thought-“  Mara started to say before Luke ran to her side kissed her deeply.  Of course that didn’t faze her in the least as she said “Luke, you are soaking wet!”  As if he wasn’t already aware of it.

“Yes, well, let me take care of that.”  Luke grinned as he messily took off most of his clothes. 

Mara snorted.  “Wait! First, what’s in the bag?”  She asked.  Only down to his pants, Luke threw the service station bag to her.  Slight astonishment graced her features as she lifted the pack of cigarettes.  “Hello…”  She said softly to them.  She lifted her eyebrows toward Luke.  “You hate smoking.  I gave it up because of your incessant whining about it.”

“Consider it a mid-winter present.”  Luke smiled.  “An early one.”

Mara shrugged as she took one of the long purple sticks from the clear package, and smiled with it in between her lips as Luke held the lit lighter up to the other end.  “Marvelous gift.”  She said after taking the first puff.  “Are there any more?”

“I might have an idea, but first let me know what you want.”  Luke said flirtatiously.  Mara locked her eyes on his and shot him an image through their bond of exactly what she was craving.  She took another drag as she saw Luke grow a little pink.  “Well, I think I can manage that one.”  He said.

And so for the second time that night Luke was on his knees in front of someone, though this time under very different circumstances.  Mara lounged sideways across the bed, letting the ash fall on the other side as little sounds of pleasure escaped her mouth with tiny wisps of smoke.  When she had finished, Luke stood up and took the cigarette from her hand.  She was a bit overwhelmed by bliss as she benignly watched her husband finish off the cigarette before stomping it into the carpet. 

“You are so cool.”  Mara said.

The rest of the night was spent fairly old-fashioned, but it worked for both of them just fine.  When they had enough, they contented themselves with feeding each other the chocolates Luke bought along with the cigarettes.  As he popped one of the last candies in her mouth, Luke said wistfully “You have made me so happy.”

Mara dug herself deeper into his embrace.  “You’ve made me happy, too.”  She said after swallowing the chocolate, smiling a sleepy smile.

There is an old saying on Tatooine that mothers who smile in bed bring smiling babies.  While not necessarily thrilled about it, at the end of the following summer Ben was born into this world to Luke and Mara, a bit early but still healthy.  As he lay in the medcenter bed with his wife and son, Luke felt that his world had become more whole than it had ever been before.

And only a few weeks later, as Mara took the holo from Leia, it all came crashing down.

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the last chapter (finally!) I really appreciated the kudos and comments I got on my first ever long fic. It was a great experience, and I thank you all for sharing it with me.

“Cheeky.”

Mara uttered this after a few tense moments of everyone waiting for her reaction in silence.  Some more silence passed as she studied it more.  “This is an interesting holograph of you, dear, what is it from?”  She smiled sweetly up at Luke.

Leia quickly started to answer for him.  “It’s from the vacation Han took the kids on-“

“Luke?”  Mara interrupted Leia, staring intently at her husband, the smile still on her face.

“It’s from the vacation I took with Han and the kids.”  Luke said quietly to the floor.

“And how long ago was that?”  Mara’s old interrogation voice started creeping into her words.

“Four years.”

“Well that’s strange, I recall the two of us being married for five.”  Mara continued.  “One when this was taken.”  When Luke kept his silence, she turned the curled up ball of Jaina next to her on the couch.  “And you found this?”  Jaina slowly lifted her head from behind her knees, and still hiding her mouth, softly nodded.  “And this is why you’ve been in a mood, lately?”  Jaina nodded again, and her strange behavior earlier had finally made sense.  “I think you have dealt with enough here for a while, why don’t you and your brothers take Ben and play with him in the guest room while I talk with your parents and uncle in here.”  She handed Ben off gently to Jaina.  “And we’ll see if we can’t figure something out.”

Jaina now stood facing the sitting Mara with the baby in her arms.  “You won’t leave us will you?”  She asked pitifully.

The best answer Mara came up with at the moment was “We’ll see.”  As the kids shuffled out of the room she turned expectantly to Luke.

Luke slowly came up to her.  “Can’t we go home and discuss this?”  He quietly pleaded.

“I’m quite comfortable here, actually.  Besides, I feel as though this is a conversation all four of us need to have.  Together.”  Mara looked around at the three of them. 

“All right,” Luke consented.  “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.”  Mara answered, the hurt finally coming through.  “Just start from the beginning, and please be honest with me.”  She implored.  “I think you owe me that much.”  Luke took a deep breath and took both her hands in his, and began to tell her everything.

 

In the guest room nearby the kids tried half-heartedly to play with their cousin, but they couldn’t bring themselves to fully ignore the gravity of the situation.

“Do you think mom and Mara’s gonna leave for good?”  Anakin asked as he laid on the bed with Ben, absentmindedly letting the baby explore his hand.

“I wouldn’t blame ‘em if they did.”  Jacen answered.  “Why should they stay getting kicked around like that?” 

Anakin felt extremely mixed up.  “I dunno, I just want us all to keep bein’ together.”  He rolled on to his belly.  “I don’t know.”  Came his muffled voice.

“This was why I didn’t want to show you the thing, Jacen.”  Jaina sullenly chimed in.  “I knew you would go and tell everyone, and then we’d all be torn up.”

Jacen huffed.  “I don’t like all this sneaking around and keeping secrets.  What gives you the right to keep it going?”

Jaina tried to think of a good answer, but she didn’t know the answer herself.  She just settled on “Just leave me alone, Jacen.”

Jacen suddenly had a thought.  “And how come you were snooping around like that, anyway?”

The anger Jaina had earlier started to rise to the surface again, and she clenched her fists at her side.  “Like I told mom, I found it on accident-“

“That’s what I don’t get!  I would think Dad would keep something like that a little more hidden; I mean he was a smuggler for _years_ before he joined the Rebellion.  If he could keep loads of cargo hidden in his ship from the Imps, couldn’t he at least hide a holo from his kids?” 

Everyone paused after, as usual, Jacen had made an intriguing observation.  Anakin and Jacen looked expectantly at Jaina, as she considered his point and tried to think back to the day she had first found the holo.  “Well,” She started to say.  “I guess I can’t really say how I knew to look in the closet at the right exact spot the box would be.”  She remembered how the box had been in the far corner of the space, an area that was so far in shadow that anyone could have easily looked over it.  “It wasn’t like it was under any clothes or anything, it was just layin’ there.  Maybe something drew me to it.”

Coincidence was not exactly something that factored too much into the children’s lives; they were well aware that the universe always seems to have an ulterior motive.  They turned their attentions back to their cousin as they left each other in silence, wondering.

 

Throughout most of the confession Mara had let Leia do the interrogating as she stared out the window at the bright, sunny, day.  She refused to let herself cry, and instead focused her anger and disgust at how beautiful it was outside.  She said nothing as the conversation was wrapping up.

“So you decided to “break up” after this last date?”  Leia asked with a cold professionalism.

“Yeah.”  Han answered.

Sternly Leia continued.  “A couple years after you first told me you broke it off.” 

“So you knew.”  Mara interjected.  She and Luke looked somewhat surprised at Leia.

“Yes.”  Leia confessed.

“You knew and you didn’t tell me.”  Mara said stiffly.  “And you stayed with him.”  She gestured to Han.  “Why?”

For once in her life, Leia didn’t have an answer.  She looked down, defeated.  “I really can’t say.”

Mara’s set glare continued to bore into submissive Leia.  “It’s a shame you didn’t think to include me in this secret.  You know I once heard that there’s no greater evil than in women who don’t help other women.”  Finally she turned her gaze to Luke.  “But I can think of worse evils.”  Shaming the three into silence she offered her own question.  “Did you two just meet up to break it off, or did something else happen that night as well?”

Han and Luke looked at each other in embarrassment before Luke answered  “Yes, something did happen after we broke up.”

With a “Force-dammit” Leia herself sank back on to the couch, on the other end from Mara.

“One last hurrah for old time’s sake, huh?”  Mara smiled sarcastically.  “And when exactly did this all happen?”

Han sighed.  “Early last winter, just as I got back from the mission from Outer Rim.”

Mara started to turn red as she asked Luke quietly “Was it that night?  With the cigarettes?”

Luke didn’t break eye-contact with her as he solemnly nodded. 

Leia suddenly understood what the two of them were getting at, and she turned her head in shock at Mara before saying “Oh kriff…”

“I want to go home.”  Mara said, her eyes shining with tears.

“Mara…”  Luke started to say.

“Get Ben’s bag and carrier, we’re going home now.”  Mara continued as she got up from her seat, hastily wiping tears from her eyes.

As Mara left to retrieve Ben from his cousins’ care, Luke shuffled half-heartedly to where the baby carrier still sat by the couch.  As he walked by his sister, she looked up at him with Gio’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”  Luke whispered.

 

After he and Mara left, Leia retreated inside herself as Han was left standing.  She didn’t look at him, but past him, as darkness seemed swirl around the corners.  She felt as if her world had been destroyed once again, but instead she didn’t survive; rather, she was ghost idly observing the aftermath of the disaster.

“You can leave.”  Han told her.  “You can take the kids and get out of here.  I wouldn’t stop you.”

Leia continued to gaze at nothing, only becoming slightly awakened as her children crept hesitantly back into the room. 

Anakin venture right up to her.  “Mom?”  He asked in a small voice.  Leia looked at him.  “Are you going to be okay?” 

Leia, as always, decided that he and the rest of her children deserved an answer.  “Someday, maybe.  Not today, I think.”  She sighed and looked back at Han.  “But I really do love your father, and I think he loves me.”  Han nodded.  “So we might be able to work something out, and we’ll all be okay.”  She could see that Jacen didn’t agree with this answer, just by the flash in his eyes and how his jaw set, but she would have to deal with that later.  “Let’s just get dinner ready for now.”  She told Anakin.

After dinner, Jaina and Han found themselves in the kitchen together as they washed dishes.  Nothing was said for a while before Jaina said quietly.  “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“No, I’m the sorry one.”  Han said back.

 

As soon as Luke, Mara, and Ben got home, Mara immediately went to a room by herself, without saying one word to Luke.  He gave her her much needed space and took care of Ben while she was alone.  Mara stayed there for hours, trying to understand all that she learned and figuring out her options.  It was well after nightfall, and when she could be sure Luke would be asleep, when she finally emerged with her plan.

Throughout her past, Mara had become especially adept at leaving someone’s house without the person knowing in the middle of the night.  Many would suspect that this skill would have been useful were she the unfaithful one in her marriage, but many underestimated the hidden extent of her loyalty.  She herself never expected to have to do this to Luke, but circumstances dictated otherwise.  With exceptional stealth Mara flitted around the room, gathering her things and packing them neatly into a bag.  Finally, when she was ready to go, she gave one last look at Luke, who hadn’t even stirred.  Then she crept quietly down the hallway.

As soon as Mara past the baby’s room, she picked up a slight whimpering coming from within.  Before, though she really didn’t want to do it, she figured that they would figure out what to do with Ben in court, and she’d leave him behind tonight.  When she entered the room and saw how he still curled into a fetal position when he slept, how small he still was, she made an impulse decision.  _If he was all Luke wanted out of me and this marriage, why should he be rewarded for his actions in keeping him?_ Mara thought.  _Ben was always mine, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him.  Luke only provided some of the ingredients in making him. No…_   She picked him up just as the whimpers started to become full-blown cries, and hushed him as she bounced him gently.  _Luke doesn’t deserve him._   As she did this, Mara took his baby bag and carried him out into the hallway, knowing full well that the crying would draw Luke out of the bedroom.  _Besides, he’s the only one who needs me for something no one else can provide._

Luke woke up immediately once he heard the crying, as his ears were more sensitive to that sound than even his wife’s.  Seeing that he was alone in bed, he’d assumed that Mara had already left to check on Ben.  When the crying continued, he got out of bed, and left the room to encounter a nightmare.

“Mara?”  Luke asked when he found her by the front door.  “What are you doing?” 

Mara stood there with the baby in her arms, rocking him slowly as he cried.  “I might as well get out of this as soon as possible, no use sitting on my ass like Leia did and let myself it get walked all over even more.”

“You wouldn’t get walked on anymore if you stayed; Han and I broke it off that last time!”  Luke cried.

“I’m sure you did.”  Mara retaliated.

“We did!  Why do you think we haven’t done anything since then?”   The two of them had started to unwittingly raise their voices above their son’s cries.

Mara paused as she thought of a biting response.  “I don’t know,” she started, “maybe you wanted to wait until after your son was born to begin your romantic endeavors again.  I wouldn’t blame you; everyone knows how bitchy a woman is after she’s just had a baby.”  That was enough to stop Luke’s tongue in shock, and she decided to bring up something that crossed her mind during her time alone.  “That reminds me.  I think I’ve figured out your purpose for marrying me.”

This broke Luke out of his trance.  “What…?”

“If you had loved Han so much, why go through the trouble of marrying someone else?  It would just make things even more complicated than they already were.  Hush!”  She snapped to Ben as she started bouncing him again.  “No…the Skywalker name is too precious to go to waste, isn’t it?”

Mara watched as Luke slowly realized what she was suggesting.  “Mara, you aren’t saying that-“

“Maybe I am!”  She shouted.  “Sorry that I was so bad at it!  Sorry that it took us a couple tries before you finally got what _you_ wanted.”  The front door slid open behind her.  “Maybe you should’ve stayed with Callista; she’d at least have given you a son quicker _and_ would’ve been too stupid to catch on to what your real purpose for her was!”

“You can’t possibly think that that was the only reason I wanted to marry you, or have a baby with you!”  Luke shouted as Mara hurried out the door.  “That’s psychopathic!”

Mara turned around to ask “Is it?”  She started to back out of the pool of light from the doorway.  “You slept with your sister’s husband for years, Luke.  At what point do you draw the line as to whether something is psychopathic or not?” 

Luke quickly joined her out into the cool night air.  “What happened is beyond anything I could be forgiven for, but I am truly, truly sorry.  I’m begging you, Mara please don’t go!  Or at least wait until morning!”

Mara dropped her bags.  “I refuse to let _my_ son spend any more time with you under the same roof.”  She suddenly whipped around quickly, and pointed a blaster straight at Luke.  “So let us go.”  She commanded.  Ben was now crying harder than ever before, squirming and kicking in the crook of his mother’s left arm as his father looked on helplessly.  Luke had never thought he’d be in that position with Mara ever again, and yet here he was.

In one last attempt to get Mara to stay, Luke simply said.  “I love you.”

Mara kept her blaster on him.  “You said that on our wedding day, and one year later you slept with another person.  You think those words coming from you would still have any meaning today?”

Tears started streaming down Luke’s face.  “You had made me so happy.” 

“I wasn’t the only one.”

When she was sure Luke wouldn’t try and stop her from leaving anymore, Mara put her blaster away and picked up the bags.  She turned and started to walk to where the ships were docked, and he watched as her red hair and poncho disappeared into the darkness.  When Luke knew she was gone, fell on his knees and wept for the loss of his greatest dream.

The _Jade Sabre_ drifted through space, a fleeting shadow amongst the stars.  It would have been more practical for Mara to simply take the groundcar and drive her and Ben to a hotel somewhere for the night, but for now she wanted to fly.  The cockpit was completely dark except for the control panel, so that she could truly feel part of the sky.

The only other time Mara felt as lost as this was just after the Emperor died.  The Emperor.  She married Luke because she hoped he would be Palpatine’s antithesis ; someone to guide her to a life full of light and happiness.  But he, too, had betrayed her, used her for his own purposes, and left her feeling lost again. 

Ben suckled hungrily at her breast, finally calm after the ordeal in front of the house.  Mara cupped his head and gently rubbed around his ear, feeling how soft his hair was.  Hair that had already begun taking on his mother’s reddish tint.  _Right before you began to exist in my life,_ she thought, _your father had loved someone else that very same night._

Mara thought about the consequences of her decisions.  Luke would be destroyed, of course, but she figured that really he had done that to himself.  Leia would probably protest her method of doing it, that it was dramatic and unprofessional, but in the end she would understand why.  All of her other friends would be split, some choosing her side and some choosing his, though that is a given in separations.  The young Solos would be devastated to see her go; she wanted to forget the look in Jaina’s eyes when she asked her if she was going to leave.

Her biggest nightmare would be the holopress.  From the announcement of her and Luke’s engagement onward, Mara had been the subject of their scorn.  Now, after only five years, she was leaving him; him, who everyone believed was the most perfect man in the galaxy.  The way she did it too would fill headlines for weeks.  And the rumors that would circulate…

A darkness blacker than the gentle one in the cockpit began to swirl around the edges of Mara’s vision.  There was nowhere she could run to where she and her son would be safe from the prying eyes of the universe.  Ben would have to live with this shame nearly his entire life.  She held him tighter.  Death would be better than that.  That was it, the thought of death raced quickly through her mind.  Mara had a blaster with her, she could quickly kill her son and herself and then they would both be free, together.  Wouldn’t that give the holopress something to chew on for a while:  Skywalker’s Wife and Infant Son Found Dead In Ship!

No, She wasn’t that crazy, was she?  For the moment Mara ignored the whispers of death the darkness was telling her, and instead focused on the infinite beauty of the stars.  Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be by herself after all.

 

 

 

 


End file.
